Does Brexit have any fibre?
What exactly is this British breakfast cereal that's got everyone in a tizz?
Frankly it should never have got past initial taste tests. Brexit had already been described as a product with little nutritional value; a product likely to cause volatile and erratic behaviour, as well as short and long term undernourishment. Yet the UK put it out to market research anyway.
The world then watched on in disbelief as Britain embraced Brexit like it had all the goodness of Weetbix. It doesn't, and neither does Weetbix. They're both flaky and prone to crumbling.
Yet there it was, Brexit voted in, albeit by a narrow margin, as the dietary staple for a healthier British economy. How could this be? What do Brits see in Brexit that we don't?
Well, some claim it will make the very bowels of Britain's economy less constricted. Brexit, they believe, will bring fast, effective relief from the crippling constipation brought on by an EU diet – apparently Brits can't do their business as freely as they'd like. Others claim that Brexit has the fibre they need to stop the runs on immigration that have transformed Britain from a seat of power to a loose stool.
Whatever, Britain, for some murky, indecipherable reason, has decided to dish up Brexit because they didn't like what Europe's been feeding them. If you've ever seen British tourists in foreign restaurants, this won't be a huge surprise. Brexit is basically Britain rejecting ratatouille, fettuccine and paella in favour of fish and chips. If only Brexit was that edible. It's not.
It also has some nasty side effects. Brexit causes your currency to contract and if you've ever tried travelling on a contracted currency, you'll know it's not pleasant. And if that's not enough, it can lead to deficiencies in your stock and share levels and seriously lower your export drive. To put it bluntly, Brexit is very bad for your financial health.
So now as Britain begins the laborious process of manufacturing Brexit and feeding it to the masses, we can only wonder how a volatile, erratic and undernourished Britain will really affect the rest of us. We just know it will.
Right now the world needs fibre; it needs strength and fortitude; it needs great big bowlfuls of easily digestible GDP consumption. It needs Britain to realise that Brexit is, at best, a continental dog's breakfast unfit for humans.
Fortunately, while the Brexit brand is now officially on the table, there's no guarantee anyone will ever actually sit down and eat it. Scotland have, quite rightly, turned their noses up at it and if further market research is undertaken there, the Brexit manufacturing machine may yet find itself without a market. An election would also throw a fly in the Brexit as this would almost certainly allow a lot of regretful people to rethink.
We can only hope this happens and that commonsense prevails. The pro crowd can coat Brexit in all the peaches and cream they like, but it's still Brexit. And it's a dry, tasteless and crumbling argument however you look at it.